Play-Learn-Grow-Repeat

From Monday Mom – Neetika:
Too funny that Friday Mom’s little boy, Rory, has been having some issues with biting lately. Well, maybe not funny for her, but coincidental in that I’m having the same problem with Hudson. He has been biting everyone, but the poor soul taking the brunt of his noshing is Haley. Makes sense—after all, she is the kid he plays with the most. Considering his verbal skills are not that well developed, he feels he has no choice but to voice his frustration by engaging in physical assault. He’s not above giving you a good smack, either.

I don’t condone his behavior, but I understand where he’s coming from. His pal “Sister” is bigger and stronger, so what she says pretty much goes. Hudson can’t plead his case, but he wants to be heard, or felt, as the case may be. He either screams and cries or bites and hits. Those are all bad options.

I’m trying to explain to Hudson that ‘no biting’ is pretty much a hard and fast rule. He definitely understands what I’m saying. He still doesn’t listen, though. In fact, he often laughs when being chastised. Haley is particularly irritated at those moments. What are really fun are the instances when he bites her, she cries, I admonish him, and then he cries.

We can’t put all the blame on the little guy. Haley can definitely be bossy. I’m trying to teach her to be more patient and selfless with her baby brother. That’s another lesson that’s sinking in very slowly. Hopefully as their relationship develops, so will their ability to engage peacefully with each other.

From Friday Mom – Erin:
There seems to be a biting bug going around Rory’s daycare classroom.  Last Friday, when one of Rory’s friends refused to share the toy he was playing with, he chomped down on her arm.  I arrived for pick-up to learn, mortified, of his transgression.  His teacher informed me about it, and said that Rory needed to work on asking teachers when his friends fail to share.  I watched as he listened intently and responded to her redirection and instructive scolding.

We ran into the friend he bit on our way out of the building.  She was very upset and insistent on asking for an apology.  Rory tilted his head awkwardly in his signature “I’m guilty but refuse to admit it” position and refused to respond.  Fortunately, his classmate’s father was very understanding and didn’t make it any more awkward than the situation already was.

I was hoping that the biting tactic had ceased.  But I arrived home today to learn that Rory had been the victim of a bite today.  One of his very good friends who he has been close with since his first year at daycare grew upset that Rory wouldn’t play with him, and apparently bit him.  The precise details remain a little unclear.  We tried to talk with him during bath time and received a slight explanation: “Gray wanted to bury leaves in the dirt, and I said no.”  Something tells me that wasn’t quite what happened.  Especially since his daddy arrived as his teacher was asking, “Well, Rory, did he ask you to stop. . .”

Rory informed us at bedtime tonight that he would not be biting anyone tomorrow.  “Biting is not nice,” he explained.  Here’s hoping he remembers that promise the next time he gets frustrated with his classmates.

From Friday Mom – Erin:
We received an incident report from Charlotte’s teachers earlier this week.  One of her classmates had bitten her hand.  Fortunately, the skin was not broken, though she does have some tooth marks and bruising as a result of the altercation.

As with any call from school, we were a little surprised by the call.  What was not terribly shocking, however, was that Charlotte was the instigator in the incident.  She had stolen a toy from one of her daycare classmates and refused to return it.  Her poor classmate lashed out in frustration and chomped down.  Even after the bite, Charlotte still refused to relinquish her grasp on the toy.  In fact, her teachers seemed quite surprised by her strength.

Charlotte’s feisty nature comes across as somewhat surprising.  She comes by her spunk and determination honestly, but we still get a chuckle out of watching this pea-sized toddler taking on kids two-months her junior but twice her size.  Having watched her brother steal toys from her over and over again, I’m not terribly shocked to see her mimic his behaviors. Time will likely resolve this one, but Mommy and Daddy are on the watch as well.

I dread the days where I pick Andrew up and see the white page on top of his lunch bag. Incident reports are the bane of my existence, even though most of them are pretty benign.

Andrew goes full throttle all day and often tries to run faster than his little legs can carry him. He also has the misfortune of inheriting my klutziness. He walks into things that are right in front of his face and trips over his own feet. It’s rare when he doesn’t come home with a new bump, bruise or scrape – and the incident reports tell me how the latest one occurred.

But the OTHER kind of incident reports are harder to take – the one where your kid was in some kind of altercation with another kid. Yesterday, there was a biting incident. A little kid was playing with a toy that Andrew wanted. The other boy didn’t want to share and my darling boy bit him when he turned his back.

I realize in confessing this bit of information some of you may be horrified. Some of you may also be relieved to know that your child isn’t the only one who, at one time or another, has had a biting incident… But let’s be real shall we? Every kid is either going to bite or be bitten at one time or another.

Allegedly, the parents of the biter are generally more horrified by the events than the one whose kid has been bitten. At least that’s what they tell me at day care. But I also know this to be true from experience.

So how do you try to explain to a 2 year old that it’s not okay to bite? Especially when you come upon the scene hours after the fact?

Our conversation went a little like this…

Me: Andrew. Did you bite someone today?
Him (looking sheepish): Yes.
Me: Why did you bite him?
Him: (shrugs shoulders) I no know mommy!
Me: Did he have a toy you wanted?
Him: Yeah.
Me: Baby, we don’t bite. You can’t bite someone because they have something you want.
(He starts bawling)
Me: Andrew, I’m not mad at you. I’m not yelling at you. But you can’t bite people.
(He stops sobbing but continues to sniffle pathetically)
Me: After you bit this kid, did you find another toy to play with?
Him: (puffs out his chest proudly) Yup.
Me: Was it cooler than the toy he was playing with.
Him: (smiles broadly) YES
Me: See. There were other toys you could play with. You didn’t have to try to take his and you REALLY didn’t have to bite. Promise me no more biting.
Him: OH-kay mommy.

I spend my days explaining complex commercial transactions to businessmen or the intricacies of legal nuance to clients who would rather just hear me say “do whatever you want, it’s cool.” Yet trying to explain to a two year old that he can’t bite another little kid stumped me. How do you really reason with a toddler? Does he understand what I’m saying? Is he going to remember what I said the next time someone is playing with the toy he wants?

I’m not sure. Masterful as that conversation was, there were no biting incidents today at school. I choose to believe that it was because what I said got through to him. I also hope that the next time a little kid has a toy Andrew wants to play with, he’ll remember our little talk…