Play-Learn-Grow-Repeat

From Monday Mom – Neetika:
If you were to follow me around the house lately, those are the words you would hear most frequently. Haley is mobile, curious and ridiculously grabby. Here is some of my running dialogue (feel free to imagine indignant baby shrieks throughout):

“No. Haley, We can read a book but we don’t have to throw all of them all over the floor.”

“What’s back there on the shelf? Oh, nothing. Stop. Stop it. Yes, you’ve found your vitamin drops. Great, we’ll take these a little later, ok? Ok, we’re putting it back now.”

“Yes, honey that’s where your clothes are, but we’re not opening the drawer right now. No. Stop. Here, look at this singing doll? Isn’t it so cool? Haley, leave the drawer. Stop.”

“Yeah! There’s your buddy Saint! We can pet him—no, Haley. Not the tail. Nice, nice. No!”

“Haley, no. That’s a plant. We don’t pull off the leaves. No, that’s not good. Okay, come over here. Stop it.”

“We don’t need to go into that cabinet. And we certainly don’t need to pull off the rubber band that’s securing it shut. Stop. Stop.”

All of this begs the question of why hasn’t there been more baby-proofing, and it’s a valid one. The answer is two-fold. My approach to baby proofing was that we would take it as it comes. I did not expect Haley’s motor skills, or her natural inclination toward defiance, to develop so quickly. I also feel that some parents baby proof to the extreme, so they can actually under-parent. It’s easier to take another look at your iPad or read a few more pages on your Kindle if your child is in what amounts to a padded cell. I did not want to be that way. It was important to me to be fully engaged.

And boy did I get what I asked for! Now that Haley is a more confident walker, I’m feeling like a boxing referee, and my job is to keep Haley from pummeling everything we own. Except I can’t blow a whistle to put an end to the melee.

Maybe since Haley reached the stage at which she’s getting into everything before age one, she’ll develop emotional maturity faster, too! Perhaps very soon, she’ll be done with the constant exploring and understand limits and obedience? Right, guys? That’s totally going to happen any day now. Right? Stop laughing.

From Friday Mom – Jaime:
We’re having Andrew’s “kid party” tomorrow. At Bounce U. With a ton of screaming, running, rambunctious 4 year-olds. (Wish us luck)

As he was talking to one of his friends and that kid’s dad about the party (and how they were about to buy Andrew’s present), my son decides to announce, “Aiden…If you’re GOOD, THEN you can play on MY inflatables. But if you’re NAUGHTY, you are NOT playing with ME.”

Oh, the attitude of a 4 year old…

Right now I’m downstairs listening to the sounds of him throwing a massive temper tantrum in his room. I think this one started because I told him to climb into bed.

Remember when everyone said “Oh, it’s just the terrible 2s” as your kid was throwing a fit for no apparent reason? That kind of talk leads you to believe that once you get past 2, it’s like a magic wand gets waived and suddenly you get your sweet, angelic child back.

But then, right around birthday time, you start to hear: “Oh, no. Three is MUCH worse than 2.” Wait a minute. Where have you been for the past year? You know, as I’ve been telling myself the attitude is eminently going to get better at Andrew’s 4th birthday.

So age 4 rolls around and at his party I’m told, “Nah, Jaime. Two was bad. Three was rough. FOUR? Nightmare.”

Really? At Andrew’s birthday party next year is someone going to say the same thing to me about age 5?

How do you deal with the attitudes and temper tantrums?

Hope you all have a great (tantrum free) weekend!

From Wednesday Mom – Janelle:
Raising two boys is a blessing.  Raising two boys who are progressively antagonizing each other more and more is not so much a blessing.  Jack has always been pretty laid back, cautious, and for the most part well behaved, though he does have his moments.  Tate, on the other hand, is throwing Mommy and Daddy for a loop.  He is quickly learning to master the tricky child syndrome.

I know comparing children, more specifically siblings, isn’t recommended, but Jack is all I know.  I remember what disciplinary actions we took and were successful with.  Imitating those same actions with Tate doesn’t seem to be working.  He is very strong willed and wants to do things the way he wants them done.  For example, if we speak firmly with him he thinks it’s funny.  A timeout isn’t understood yet.  Speaking to him nicely and trying to explain why we can’t twist and turn during a diaper change takes A LOT of patience.  The latest trick he performs is pulling all the ornaments off the Christmas tree and hiding them.

Tate can be incredibly sweet or incredibly destructive depending on his mood, nap schedule and phase of the moon. What he lacks in consistency he makes up for with personality. We are getting to know our youngest and we love him even if he is a bit of a challenge. Hopefully we can bring out the sweet side and help control his temper.

Last month I noticed a major change in Brady’s behavior and attitude. My sweet little guy was talking back, kicking, hitting, and just overall not a joy to be around. I am not a big advocate of spanking, and let’s face it – timeouts are more for the adult when the kid is close to school age. I will send Brady to his room for a timeout when I can feel my own temper escalating, and yes, it is always related to his behaviors. So I researched my options, read a few articles, and thought about Brady’s personality overall. He is a “pleaser” type of kid. That is why his behavior in August was surprising. Now, he does have some drama in his life right now due to custody stuff. But overall he seems pretty well adjusted to all of that.

My final decision was to go to the store and buy a roll of tickets. Brady earns tickets and he looses tickets. I wanted to make it realistic, so even if he was having a TERRIBLE day, he still could have some success. So I made a list of “ticket earning” behaviors and a list of behaviors that would make him owe me a ticket. For example, going to bed without a fight earns a ticket (this has never been an issue, so I knew he would always get one ticket at the end of the day anyway).

Other ticket earning behaviors include proper manners, listening the first time, obeying the rules, staying in his room in the morning until mama comes to get him, and others. He owes me a ticket if he kicks, hits, throws anything in the car, talks back, or several other inappropriate behaviors. He then can use his tickets to purchase play dates with friends, eating a special treat such as ice cream or krimpets, going to drive a go-kart, or whatever he wishes. But if he doesn’t have enough tickets, we don’t do it.

The key here was to NOT make it a lot of items that would cost me a lot of money or time (both of which are difficult). So most items are freebies. One day he even paid to play at his train table, which he though it was fun to hand over the two tickets to “pay.”

So far the ticketing system has WORKED. Brady’s manners have returned – yeah! It is funny though because he will say “Excuse me mama, my I please have some butter for my toast? Hey – I think that earned me two tickets.” So, he is always thinking about his tickets. And my favorite part is I can alter them and use them as needed. So if he is having a difficult time sitting in circle time at cub scouts, I can tell him he will get a ticket each time he sits in circle time or lose a ticket each time he doesn’t sit. So it is a win-win system.

It does take a little work on my part to transfer tickets from his bag to my bag of tickets. But he enjoys it, I enjoy that my child is listening, and boy does it work! Man, when I tell him he lost a ticket…….. Let’s just say he runs to his room and closes the door quietly (he knows slamming a door would cost another ticket) and just lays there and sulks for a bit. It beats yelling at him, spanking him, or many other options. There is no fighting, just a simple “you lost a ticket.” And the best part is that his ticket earning potential is all within his own power, and I make sure he knows that and he knows that mama believes that he can earn a TON of tickets everyday.

When Brady was two, they said he was in the Terrible Twos. He was great at two, so I figured I was Good to Go. Then it was the Terrible Threes! We are “getting through” those. I thought four was the “light at the end of the tunnel” only to find out from my pediatrician that the “Frustrating Fours” are next, the stage where kids test everything and push every boundary. Does every age have a negative connotation?

Now I can’t complain much, because I am very blessed with Brady. I hope this blog helps those struggling (and by all means, if you have any tips for me, please comment). I am by no means an expert. My son threw himself on the floor and rolled around like a possessed person because he wanted butter on bread instead of butter on a waffle. Yes, I could have given in – but I don’t. I ask once, and whatever he requests, that is what he gets.

My overall discipline methods may seem harsh, but they really do work on Brady (minus the occasional possessed behavior). When he reached about 18 months, I started with timeouts. Now I had a very non-verbal child, so I did all of the explaining about WHY he was in time out. I still occasionally use them at nearly four years old. But honestly, I think they are now more of a time out for ME, so I don’t lose my cool over something that really isn’t that monumental.

I set the timer for however old he is; when it dings, we talk, he apologizes, I tell him I love him, we hug, kiss.. end of story. Now there are times that timeouts just aren’t enough. Once Brady hit three and was more verbal, I decided it was time to punish. By punish I mean “take away” – works wonders.  Brady has wooden trains and Geotrax trains. Punishment starts with the wooden trains, then goes on to taking away the remotes for the Geotrax trains, and then the final phase is tearing down our giant train track. That has only happened twice ever. Now parents, be careful here, I learned something the hard way. BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU TAKE AWAY. One time, I told him no “Word World” that day. Well, I not only punished him, but I also punished myself, since I didn’t get in my 30 minutes of work time that day! So I do take things away, but only things that I know aren’t punishing me too. I learned that one the hard way!

If you have any tips, feel free to share. This is a journey we are all on together. I take it one day at a time, and learn as I go. And sometimes I am the one apologizing to Brady, because mamas aren’t perfect either – we get angry and over-react (well, at least I do). But I make a point to tell him I am sorry when I do that and make sure that he knows that it is OK to make mistakes, get mad, or sad. It is all part of growing up (and even being a grown up).